The trouble with love is…
It took me almost 40 years to figure out love. It’s been said over and over…but truely, until you have self-love, there is no giving love to others and receiving it in return. Sure, your parents love you unconditionally (I hope!), but I’m talking about a romantic love here. A partnership. Though the statement above regarding self-love rings true, there are so many other common sayings about love that I find to be completely intolerable. Let’s get into some of those.
“Love is blind”
No, no. Love is NOT blind. Love has a very clear vision. Part of attaining that elusive self-love is having a crystal clear vision of you. Your purpose… your boundaries… your morals and values. As you evolve, be aware of the evolution happening and adjust your vision accordingly. In addition to that you should get clear on your vision of what love is to you. For example, what does a partnership look like to you? What is your attachment style? Are you anxious, avoidant, or secure? If you aren’t sure, or if you keep ending up in cat and mouse relationships, you should check out this book. I think everyone should read this book as a foundation to building a healthy relationship.
Each person has so many seasons or phases of life. To take the same partner through each phase with you, you must both be evolving upwards. In your ascension, you may grow out of the love you currently reside in, just like the snail outgrows its shell. Unless both parties are reaching higher levels, someone will be left behind. And that is actually perfectly ok. Part of the lesson they may need in that moment may require this. Always put your metamorphosis before your relationships. Metamorphosis is created by the greatest relationship of your lifetime, and that is the one you have with your God. Believe that.
“Love knows no boundaries”
Umm… What?? Healthy love absolutely has clear boundaries. Without boundaries, your relationship looks like this; walking on eggshells, feeling suffocated, feeling like you are losing yourself or don’t know who you are, fear of talking to or seeing friends, being bombarded with phone calls all day, being interrupted during school or work, lack of personal space and a general sense that you have lost some freedom. No. No, no, no, no, no.
If you are with a boundary pusher, and you have clearly stated your boundaries to no avail, it’s time to take a look at that Exit sign. We even need healthy boundaries with our children to make sure they grow up able to set their own. Boundaries = incredibly healthy. Love is not controlling… in fact, it’s the opposite. Love should feel like total freedom.
Here’s what happens without boundaries. You get walked all over. Maybe it happens slowly, maybe it’s been happening from the get go. As someone ignores your boundaries, you start to lose compassion for them as a partner and eventually as a human being. When we get to this point, we are so trampled on that we can no longer sympathize with our partners. Boyfriends sick? Don’t care. Wife graduated medical school? Don’t care. We don’t care once that compassion is gone, and boundary pushers push that compassion right out of town. It’s very difficult to gain that compassion back even if the pusher works very hard to appreciate boundaries. Boundary pushing is the quickest road to a loveless, mundane “relationship”. For a great blog about boundary pushers visit this link! https://herway.net/relationship/signs-he-s-a-boundary-pusher/
“Love conquers all”
Nope. It doesn’t. I may buy this if the quote said, “self-love conquers all”. There are certain hardships that love just isn’t going to conquer. For example, let’s say you realize you are 10 years away from when you want to retire, yet have no retirement fund. Let’s say you’ve been married for 15 years and have remained very in love, for the most part. Your partner still gives you butterflies, you spend time together still, you make eachother laugh… etc. That is beautiful, but you aren’t going to retire on love.
The solution to this… the conqueror of this, would be to make wise investments, start a new budget that saves a lot more money, stay dedicated and possibly take your lifestyle down a notch or two. You have to conquer this challenge. Sure, your partner has to comply too, or you have to set firm boundaries about the budget. But ultimately you’ll have to become the solution with or without your partner’s contributions to hit that retirement goal.
YOU can conquer all. By yourself. I’m gonna go back to that relationship with God and tell you that with the “I AM” presence God has granted you, you can conquer all. When life is difficult, love doesn’t always come in and save the day. And that is perfectly ok. We can save our own damn days.
The point in all of this is that when you reach the level of self-love that I wish for each and every one of you, you are ultimately ok no matter what. If your incredible, mostly perfect, soul-mate relationship crashes and burns tomorrow, you have to have the underlying currant within keeping your head above water no matter what. Yes, the end of a relationship can hurt, devastate, depress… but it can not ruin your life, by an means. You are the decider of your destiny. You can get all up in that Metamorphosis anytime you need to.
The trouble with love is..
We aren’t giving enough to ourselves first, others second. We’re crashing and burning. We are taught that single is always worse than taken. I can assure you it is not. Being single is wonderful. Marriage can be wonderful. Partnership can be wonderful. Wherever you are now, and wherever you go in the future, get a clear vision. Love YOU. Embrace the alone time, the committed time, the dating time and the friendship time.
Just remember that at certain seasons of life, or sometimes for a lifetime…
“A reservation made for eight is way better than two plates.” – Demi Lovato, “My girlfriends are my Boyfriend”